Stalking
Yes kids, its time for another installment of stalking advice. You know what I hate about columns? Consistency, Redundancy, boring boring and tired. So, I'm not gonna let that happen here.I want to see all angles of the beast, to flip it over and examine its belly while its sleeping, looking for its weak spots.
A lot of people already know this, but I was recently sexually assaulted. Now, I've never been one to over share. The reasons I made this publicly known was simple..when you are subjected to a crime such as rape you can either be the victim and crumble till your foundation is gone, or you can hold your head high and fight for justice. It didn't take much time to decide what I needed to do. I won't mention names, and my purpose is not to slander anyone or call attention to myself. Actually, I feel as a writer it's my job to communicate the way I see things so that other people might be able to gain a new perspective.
One of the first things I would like to say is that if I ever start writing angry feminist poems or release a folk album, I implore you to kill me immediately. I don't hate men. I don't feel that this crime happened to me because I was a woman or because I was a writer seeking to be published. I write about glimpses and slivers into the human psyche that I see everyday. It's all right there in front of you, unless you are one of those who covers your eyes during the climax in a great horror film.
Now, I don't want to in any way say that this event did not affect me. What I want to get across is that, I'm not surprised or amazed that this could happen to someone, could happen to me. A thing like this can put doubts and regrets in your mind and have them spinning like a rat on a squeaky wheel overtime. It's true, I don't believe in much. I'm cynical and jaded, to put it lightly. But going through this trauma has made me realize that there is this tiny bit of idealism still living inside of me, and it believes in justice. And Justice is what I will seek. You may be saying GET TO THE FUCKING POINT, and I'm kinda wondering when that will happen as well. Maybe that is the point. It's an ugly world full of depraved people and systems that are designed to fail. But you have to keep going. I wanted to crawl under the covers and sleep until it just all magically went away.
I will admit that I'm infamous for not being the most personable human on the planet. But I think one of the things I've learned from this is tolerance. Tolerance in that the fucking car in front of you who won't go when the light turns, is a human who has been raped in one-way or another themselves. Maybe very recently. And the person down the hall you lent your vacuum cleaner to could very well have a closet full of rotting corpses.
I'm not saying to ignore these travesties; I'm not saying to desensitize yourself to them and their affects. I'm saying that life happens while you are waiting to get from here to there. From being victimized to getting justice and healing. You can't put down the pen; you can't take a break from what it was that drove you in the beginning. You will be lied to, you will be cheated, you will be stolen from, you will have these things and many more happen to you a million times over in your life. Approach life padded all over like a football player; walk into life knowing your role is one of defense. Fuck shit up yourself. But don't lose sight of who you are, it truly is all you have. Everything, and I mean everything else that you have...can be taken away from you.
I'm saying, don't be a victim. Even when you are crawling away from your burning house and someone you love has stabbed you in the back...crawl with a fierce determination. Life is a dirty poker game, it's a war. It's true what they said in Fight Club "The things that you own, end up owning you." Approach it from your very insides; building things that cannot be taken from you, not ever. This is all you have; if you're hanging onto anything else...you will fall on your face. If you try to make it through the game without being hit, you will fail.
Build yourself up daily. If I had spent more time doing that in the past, I wouldn't have to do it as much now. You cannot decide whether or not you are a victim, but what you can decide...what you need to decide is whether or not you are going to allow yourself to be truly fucked. I'm open to any emails or discussions on this matter, or if someone would simply like to talk.
Debbie "TNT" Kirk
I hit like a girl
I was going to write a poem
kinda like a horror movie
blood and guts
and the token
screaming, naked virgin.
But that madness that stifles me
isn't necessarily another man's nightmare.
Jesus on the cross...
a phallic symbol to me
you can't communicate
my brand of
damaged thoughts and visions
Scaring people,
is not going to make
the dragon stop chasing me
the warmth of his fiery breath
on my back
keeps me moving at a steady pace.
I was going to write a horror poem
but it was funny,
the words I put on the paper.
And I think that to reach people
you have to really get inside their heads
and use words that hit home.
The day I take the adventure
to someone else's brain
It will be with knives and drills
I don't think I hit like a girl.
But I could never hit home
Home is a buried treasure
on the map I never got in the mail
from all my Captain Crunch proof of purchases.
So, I won't be scaring anyone today
Desensitized since birth
it would take more
than I'm willing to give away.
This is my hell and I cradle it like a baby
You have to get your own.
The only advice I can give
is to pick a spot and start digging
Picking at Scabs
since when are poets philosophers?
But I mean they were ANGRY
at the words on the paper
like the bold type made them laws
and the nice paper made them holy.
take what you get
but that is not the point.
take what you get,
and then go.
From here to there
pick a word and say it seven times
skin your knee
when you fall
that way, people will know
cut it up
then glue it back together again
read it backwards
and argue with yourself
out loud
at a bus top
Are we truly lurking in the shadows
our only purpose
to record the picture
to paper
with our eyes closed?
Are we watchers
and not doers?
I ask you to think
ABOUT a box.
I ask you to look
THIS way.
I could ask you to
jump off a bridge.
So, next time don't take it so seriously
when I say that
my lips bleed truth
unless you feel the blood
then baptize yourself
because I told you so
The letters can be picked at
like tics on the neighbors dog
scabs are everywhere
and we have an infestation.
But don't take my word for it.
Debbie Kirk
