Houston we have a problem
(vIa deptford, nj - 02.03.04)

i have been most
fortunate with
annual health checks
and luckily it’s been the same
over the years:
positive feedback
and while
battling diabetes
a pace maker keeps
daddy hangin on and
there’s something
about a kidney problem
mommy dearest
borderline diabetic
complains of pissing
every 10 minutes
my older sister needs knee
transplants (like dad) down
the line and
youngest sister
psychopathic
bride of chucky addict
to years of
prescription pills and
i never hear from
the chronic alcoholic
brother
so
spare me the all-in-the-family
heredity hand-me-downs for
i have long ago established
fate would greet me
with dignity:
unannounced
drop dead on
the spot and
that would be
that
      NOT
and
dr anne rosenburg
takes me next
hip chic classy obgyn
black leather boots climb tight
up her petite legs
to the knees
she pokes and prods tenderly with
tiny pretty purple rubber
gloved fingers and when
she's through she
looks over me
with concern
eye to eye
she announces
a diagnosis with
out any kind of medical test
right off the bat and
she leaves the room
i lay stradling out of stirrups
my check up complete
i notice the blank white ceiling
and i might suggest
posting some rock hard dudes
up there for examination entertainment
and then those
words that came out
of her mouth
HER examination ANALYSIS
without a 'test'
hit me like an out-of-control 18 wheeler
head-on
she’s shittin’ me….
and
she returns with a couple
prescription papers
scribbled
a list of immediate tests
a specialist’s name on the other
…this is the doctor
i would go to if
i were in this situation…
situation situation situation
the monster word shaking it's
middle finger in_my_face
he’s the best-you’ll
like him – i called
and he’s waiting
to see you
                 now
!NOW?!…
hold on ....these things only
happen to somebody
else… =i said= …look at me
i’m not sick
i’m not hurt and
i'm not in pain
i’m full of spunk
i never stop …
it’s not my nature
to be plagued with
something
like this …

NOW
sounds so
tramatic but jezus
i can easily say
what’s ruled
out
vd aides leukemia alzheimer’s
diabetes heart complications
would i want my pick of one of these
instead of this this
doesn’t even
run in my family

o my god
i can’t say the word
i can’t type the condition
i am cornered
up against a brick wall
certain death is simply the
other alternative…if i sit back
ignore
i can not overlook this or
put it off but
look at me
there’s nothing wrong
look
happy go-lucky me
happy go-lucky me
i like my comfortable life
now i am cursed...
happy-just-my-luck me
i feel fine
god dammit !hey!
i have nothing
better to do
.right.
bring on the new
white coat audience in
medical mask
go to the next specialist
i'm not good with static
in surround sound
and
so
i won't (can't) tell family...
i won't (can't) tell friends...
except my best and
i called her and she cries
in California
i can’t
i take everything in stride
i can't even tell
you until
i can say it out loud
type it to paper
i can't even rearrange the word(s) to
make it sound
better
ugly monster curseword
and now
i’m rambling
waiting for test
results results
already known
and maybe unknown
on my way to see
the next doctor
i think i can deal with this
no i can't
i can't deal with frightening
situations and i can't
even deal with
the rest of
this rambling
poem….
           …to
                 …..be
                      ……..continued

cait collins--->airportart=photography/