Big Motherfucker
“Confessions of a Drive Thru Junkie”
I know what you’re thinking.
“That is one BIG Motherfucker”
“No man …that is one Huge Motherfucker”
“Did you hear that stage screechin’ and screamin’
under his thundering foot steps as that Motherfucker
rumbled up to the microphone?”
“I know,
that BIG Motherfucker is the long lost brother
of Hagrid from Harry Potter!”
“Wait! Wait! I got it!
That HUGE Motherfucker is the illegitimate love child
of Andre the Giant and Shelly Winters!”
So now that I’ve coaxed your judgements
willingly out of the closet
and made a comical deposit
in the psyche of this room,
Let us consume
a little low fat truth.
My name is Bob Whoopeecat
and I……
am a drive thru junkie
I’ve been to the abyss
and seen truth
glaring at me from a pile
of empty bags and wrappers
from behind my broken bucket seat
and realized
I am a drive thru junkie…
Cruising down the street
looking for that greasy protein fix
Doubling over
for a double quarter-pounder with cheese,
getting the shakes for a
double thick chocolate shake,
frying sensibility
with super size fries
and supporting the lies
that convenience is King!
I often wonder when whoppers will
way-lay weaknesses
while watching whipped wherewithal
waver with a whiff
It leaves me stiff
like a frozen Bomb Pop
waiting to be licked in to submission
How does one overcome
transmissions of girth
programmed in to you
almost from birth
as you learn nursery rhymes such as
“Two all beef patties
special sauce, lettuce, cheese,
pickles, onions
on a sesame seed bun”?
and hun…
Ronald Mc Donald & The Hamburgler
Happy Meal action figures always kicked
GI Joe with the Kung Fu grip’s ass
in my sandbox!
As much as most
aren’t willing to admit
their twisted sense of humor
or own fault filled demeanor,
The masses live to ridicule
those living with ridiculous mass.
Every talk show, magazine
and TV screen are loaded
with yesterday’s big gainers
and tomorrows big losers.
And Look out!
Whoopie Goldberg has just joined
the Slim Fast,
“let them count those calories for you”
weight-loss Bowel Movement!
So before you go looking for that
quick fix thumb stomach, South Beach,
Atkins, chocolate chip cookie, lipo sucking,
celebrity magazine cover weight loss solution,
let me pass on the wisdom
of Drive thru junkies anonymous
There are no absolutions
in Late Night Drive-Thru confessions
to a Jack in the Box
The only true value in a .99 cent Value Menu is
you save one whole penny on every dollar you spend,
and get obese for cheap!
If I would’ve thought in depth about that concept
20 years ago
you would be calling me a
rich little skinny motherfucker right now!
Don’t mistake headset wearing
drive-thru employees as a therapist.
Trying to relieve your pain and suffering
using Biggee Fries and a Frosty for buffering
only returns to you two fold in lies
when you try to go shopping
for clothes and squeeze in to a smaller size.
So beware of what you ask for
when you upgrade to Super Size,
Because you are
what you eat!
Although I’ve dropped 35 pounds
since writing this poem,
You could still call me BIG
and you could still call me HUGE
and you could probably mistake me
for that long lost brother of Hagrid from Harry Potter,
or the illegitimate love child
of Andre the Giant and Shelly Winters,
but this stage has more to worry about
from the weight of my words
than the weight of my body.
and the one thing I refuse to be named
is “Motherfucker!”
Because the last thing I want
is a shortsighted, small minded,
judgmental asshole calling me is…
DADDY!
|
R L 'whoopeecat' Stephenson
